woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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