Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
