yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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