So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
