Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
