I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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