sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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