i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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