The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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