Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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