Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
