Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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