When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
