Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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