True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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