I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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