I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
