Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
