if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
