thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
