Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
