Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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