Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
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