***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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