I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
