Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
