I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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