just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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