I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
