I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
