Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
