I take back everything I said about communal showers
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
