i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
