I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
