Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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