Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
