I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
