i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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