As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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