Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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