Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
