I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
