He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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