He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
