so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
