I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
