My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
