Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
