My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
