my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
